Tag: humor

Weekend humor: Lane departure warning! 😉

It would be nice if human beings had built-in lane departure sensors. Would be even better if the sensors came equipped with steering assist! Imagine a scenario involving a politician spouting off like an expert scientist and the lane departure sensor gets triggered. He/She gets warned by the sensor to stay in their lane to avoid collision with knowledgeable experts. If he/she keeps talking after the warning steering assist should get activated in the form of mild electric shock, with increasing intensity every 30 seconds the warning is ignored, to make it more fun. 😂
Lane departure warning would work effectively with other folks like entertainers, businessmen, sportsperson and people from many other professions too to prevent them straying from their lane of expertise! The benefits are endless, what say? 😊
Hey, I am a dreamer 😃🙏

Weekend Humor: Señor Raj, what is love? 🙋‍♀️

Simple pleasures of life make for fun. One of my stupid, simple pleasures is popping bubbles in bubblewrap 😊 One night this week as I was cleaning and stuffing waste in trash bag in preparation for trash pickup the following day I noticed bubblewraps lying around. Some packages delivered recently had come wrapped in bubblewrap. My eyes widened and I said to myself “Forget cleaning, it’s time for some entertainment!” 😄 I started popping one bubble at a time. Found it would take too much time by the time I was done with all the bubbles. Then I decided a way to speed up the entertainment would be to use my foot and go about popping bubbles dragging my heel across the bubblewrap in a line, across and so forth! The dulcet tones of the bubbles bursting one after another in quick succession was like sweet music to my ears 👌😅 My wife who was in another room came into the room I was having fun in a little later and asked “What was that sound I heard?”. I responded “I was creating wrap music!” 😂 She cast a quizzical glance at me before she looked at the floor and realized what I was up to. As she turned to go back to a different room I added “I am working on my craft and if I keep at it I may even win a Grammy for the best wrap artist of the year!” 😉 She walked away shaking her head. 🤦‍♀️ The import of what I was doing hit me then! I am a dot-com bubble bu(r)ster and no ordinary one at that, I am Amazon dot-com bubble bu(r)ster. Ok, I will make it Prime Amazon dot-com bubble bu(r)ster if you insist. 😂 I think my show is ready for prime time and I don’t mean just Prime TV. I imagine lot of requests streaming in for my show. I love what I do, you can say I “act with love”! I am looking around me now and I see some bubblewraps around and some that are pillow shaped big ones. Man, I have a long way to go and hope my neighbors don’t make explosive allegations on hearing the big bubbles pop. I am getting stressed out. 😧 No worries, I just got to take a deep breath and carry on. Bubble popping can be a great stress buster too! 👍 Did you realize Señor Raj saved you the effort of asking “Alexa, what is love?” Providing new form of entertainment with opportunity to de-stress, that’s a public service act for sure. 👏
Wow, is there a better way to start the weekend? I didn’t think so either. 🤣 You are welcome 😊🙏

Weekend Humor: Have you seen my wife? 🙂

It’s a busy weekend at a LA area shopping mall. A security guard near the exit door of the mall notices a man running around as if he is searching frantically for something. The security guard calls out to the man
Security Guard: Sir, can I help you?
The man approaches the security guard, flashes a badge and announces “I am Lt Columbo, from LAPD”
Security Guard (looking at the badge): Ah, the famous Columbo from the LAPD homicide department! What brings you here, Sir? If I may, I must say I have been dying to meet you (and lets out a guffaw pleased with his own joke) 😂
Lt Columbo: You sure do have a sense of humor 😀 I am looking for my wife. We were shopping in the mall and I don’t know where she is gone. Have you seen her?
Security Guard: You got to be kidding, Sir! You have mentioned about her so many times on TV but we haven’t ever seen her 😊 To help you I will need more details. Can you provide some?
Lt Columbo: Sure, she is very bright woman! And… (absentmindedly Lt Columbo walks away)
Security Guard: “And” what, Sir?
Lt Columbo: Just one more thing 😉 She loves dogs. She absolutely adores our dog
Security Guard: What kind of dog? Is the dog with her here?
Lt Columbo: No, the dog is in the car
Security Guard: In that case I will need something more. Do you have her picture with you?
Lt Columbo: I sure do! Here, hold this cigar for me. (Rummaging through his raincoat/jacket) I have it somewhere here. Hmmm…Can you hold my jacket for me? (hands over the jacket to the security guard and searches in his coat pockets and only finds some old shopping bills, a boiled egg and other pieces of useless paper. Removes his coat and hands it to the security guard). Can you hold my coat too?
Security Guard (struggling to hold it all): Sure, Sir! Are you looking in your shirt and trouser pockets?
Lt Columbo: Yes, I am. (after a bit) Hmmm…Can you believe it, I can’t find it (absentmindedly playing with his belt buckle)
Security Guard: Whoa, whoa, hold on, you could be booked for indecent exposure if you remove your shirt and trousers too in public, Sir! 😟
Lt Columbo: No worries, I will look for her myself and walks in towards the shops
Security Guard: Sir, you forgot your coat, jacket, half-smoked cigar, egg and other pieces of paper!
Lt Columbo: Oh, sorry about that. (Picks up his stuff). I better hurry, hopefully she is not searching for me now (and runs towards the exit)
Security Guard: Sir, that’s the exit. I thought you were looking inside the mall 😄
Lt Columbo: Oh, yeah! Thanks! (and runs inside the mall)
Security Guard (shaking his head and mutters) “I wonder how he solves all his cases!” 😂

This man should testify

There has been one constant when witnesses have showed up to testify in the impeachment proceedings if anyone cared to notice. The man in red circle in left photo above! I don’t know about others but I think he should be asked to testify. Hear me out first please 🙂
From the rarefied heights that he operates in this guy has a bird’s-eye view to everything! He can see everything in this galaxy and beyond. Not only can he see everything he always appears to stay under the radar too! In most photos with group of people that Mr Red Circle is in all you see is a well dressed gent neck down, no face 😀 (right photo an example). In short this is a person who stands head and shoulders above everyone else, can see everything and yet not be seen. What more do you need in a witness?
I change my position. This man must testify 😀

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus!

Men and women think and react different. Nothing like a real life example to prove it though, right? 😉 One example: While having a great meal me and son can tell crappy jokes or watch crime scenes in TV series replete with gore and still enjoy the meal thoroughly 😀 Wife’s instant reaction if that happens is “We are having a meal, can you guys stop please?” or “Switch off the TV, watch after we have had our meal” 😀 Looks like women find such sights, sounds or even thoughts quite disgusting and disturbing while eating but men can delink easily and nothing comes in the way of enjoying a good meal 😀

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Men_Are_from_Mars,_Women_Are_from_Venus”
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” is title of book by John Gray.
There might have been gray areas when the book was originally written.
Experience tells the gray cells function differently and that’s a truism. What say?

Forgetfulness + Borderline OCD = ?

If your guess was Raj you are right 😀
You might ask what kind of OCD like tendencies. Below are some that come to mind immediately
1) In my wallet I like the $ bills of each denomination together and all the bills in increasing or decreasing order
2) If there is something closer to the edge of a shelf or kitchen island, especially containers with liquids, my natural instinct will be to move it closer to the center so that they are knocked down by accident
3) In the refrigerator all stuff with earlier expiry date in future will be closer to the front for easier access and use
4) If tissue paper roll has a tissue partially torn the “offending” piece will be torn off to the perforation 😀
5) If there is a spelling mistake by me I like to correct it if I can edit it or add a follow up note with correction. If there is a spelling mistake by others I struggle with how to get it corrected by bringing it to attention without offending the person
6) While tipping at restaurants I prefer the final figure to be a round figure. In recent times I have been weaning off this habit to save the effort of calculation
7) If paying by cash will try to get dollar bills as change instead of coins. It’s becoming more difficult now as current wallet does not have separate pocket for coins
8) Used to keep set of quarters handy in car (in a prescription tablet container no less 😀 ) in case of need for parking when I used to drive longer
9) Symmetry: If there are 3 flowering plants, two of them red and one white, the white one will generally be between the two red flower plants
10) Symmetry: Spacing and placement are important on pieces over mantel and entertainment center. If there are two of a kind and three of another kind normal preference would be to not bunch them together
11) Staircase steps: When I use them (which is very rare nowadays 🙂 ) I always like to count the # of steps. Serves no purpose but it’s a habit
12) Staircase steps: If I take 2 steps at a time first step landed will depend on # of steps on a flight of stairs. If the total is even first step will be on step# 2, if total is odd first step will be on step# 1. The meaningless objective is to make each step kinda uniform
13) While sending Emails all Email addresses will generally be in subject area till the Email is fully composed for fear of clicking Send by mistake before it’s fully written
14) Forgetfulness and OCD like combo: I frequently get out of elevator the first time door opens
15) Forgetfulness and OCD like combo: If I have promised to get something for a person will try to keep it in the car as soon as I remember. Generally in driver seat so that it is visible when I open the car driver side door. It’s a different matter that I may forget the item is in the car when I get off the car as I would have placed in different seat before starting the car 😀
16) Forgetfulness and OCD like combo: If there is an important piece of document I need to carry it generally will be stuffed into the wallet if it fits in or placed right over the wallet or near car key so that it is difficult to miss. Couple of times recently I forgot my wallet and realized why I felt something was missing when I noticed it on reaching the gas station or a shop

When I go on a “Why are the shoes not placed properly in the rack OR Why are things placed on the edge” wife and son laugh, probably thinking the OCD like tendency has kicked in 😀 Can’t blame them, almost all of it is trivial in the bigger picture 🙂

It doesn’t pay to help ;)

One weekend we were expecting guests for dinner at 7pm. Wife needed some stuff from the grocery shop to cook a feast. ’twas around 4pm when she asked if I could make a run to the shop and get what she needed. I said sure! Off I went to the shop. Lot of time to complete the shopping and return in time before guests arrive, I thought. Went to the fruits section first. Some bananas looked raw, others overripe. Said to myself let me see if there is anything mentioned about when to best consume. No date, just a label on banana skin with Dole or Chiquita or whatever brand it was. Hmmm…I thought this is a little annoying and getting to be a boring experience. To add fun to the task I decided to look at what usage instructions were there for other products. Below is what I found and my inferences.
Cake, Mayo: Best if used by <date> – Hmmm, need to keep that date in mind!
Packaged beets, Salsa: Seller just slapped a date on the package 😀
Blueberries in a box: No date – that’s great, lasts forever! 🙂
Shredded lettuce: Enjoy by <date> – Thought of having some before the date printed and some after just to test if there is difference in enjoyment level 😀
Milk, Fruit dipped in sugar solution: Best by <date> – Felt it was too long to wait till that date!
Boom Chicka Pop snacks: Sell By <date> – After the printed date it’s probably suggested to gift instead of selling 🙂
Aged Gouda Cheese: Sell By <date> – Shouldn’t it get better with age?
Fruit Juice: Best before <date> – Need to sip everyday and see what that best turns out to be, what date it tastes best!
Medicine: Exp date <date> – Only product with expiry date/month clearly mentioned! Really? Per my understanding medicines do not really expire, they don’t turn into cyanide after expiry date 😀 Their potency is said to reduce, that’s it. I suppose medicines have the greatest profit margin and it helps the business to put the fear of God into people 🙂
After all this “research” I glanced at my watch. It was 6:15pm. Omigosh, I had not started my shopping. Hurriedly I got the list of items out and finished shopping in 15 minutes and returned home by 6:45pm. I had a triumphant look on my face for the fun “research” I had managed and reaching in time before the guests arrived. Wifey opened the door. One look at her face and I knew she wasn’t happy.
Wife: Where were you all this time? (she demanded)
Me: I was shopping and have all the items in the list you had asked for (I replied calmly and confidently with the attitude of a person who had gained wisdom 😉 )
Wife: I needed couple more items. Called you, left VM, texted too!
Me: Let me check (checked phone). Oh, looks like I set the phone on mute so that I could finish the shopping quickly 😉 (Did not want to get a scolding by mentioning phone was set in mute to help me do my “research” peacefuly 😀 )
Bottomline: It doesn’t pay to help 😉 😀
P.S. Wife, resourceful person that she is, completed cooking changing the menu by making couple of dishes using other ingredients at home. And I escaped with my secret intact! 🙂

Lot of ground to cover!

In one office call I hosted few years ago there were, among others, a Newland, a Moreland and a Westmoreland. So, I started the call by saying “Team, Good afternoon. We have in this call xxx Newland, yyy Moreland, zzz Westmoreland. Yes, that’s a lot of ground to cover!”

Humor can serve as an icebreaker in office situations, to ease communication within the team as team members get to know each other. Also fits with my belief than fun and serious work can coexist. Life is too serious these days anyways, why not lighten it up a bit?

Clear thy name first, Special Counsel!

For about 2 years now whenever you turn on the news one person has been part of the daily news: Special Counsel Robert Mueller! It could be a report on his ongoing investigation, a talk show on his court filings/indictments or a subject pleading guilty or witness called for questioning etc or reaction of anyone linked to the investigation directly or indirectly. Mr Mueller lets his work speak for him, haven’t heard him say a word in public past 2 years. In many discussions about the investigation there is someone in the panel talking about their personal interactions with him in the past or remarking about the way he has gone about his work in this instance. So widely is he mentioned that I think there is a strong case for Mr Mueller to be made part of the lexicon, used in different contexts for different effect. For example describing someone as “He/She is a mueller” could be description of a silent, strong person. “Person A is very muelleric” might fit the description of a stoic individual with no outward display of emotion. “He/She got muellered” could mean someone brought to justice OR unfairly victimised depending on political inclinations of the person saying it 😀 Going by utterances of POTUS and Mr Giuliani mueller could mean hunter (although I am not sure which hunt they keep referring to 🙂 )

There is a lot of strong opinion about the Special Counsel and his work. For those in support he is a savior of our civilization as we know it and for those opposed he is a destroyer of our civilization. With so much divide I was hoping there would at least be some agreement on how to pronounce his name. Alas, no luck in that either 😦 I have noticed 3 major ways people say his last name. Some say MULLer, some say Mewller, some say
Mew-e-ller with some variations of the above 3 also thrown in 😀 For someone like me who has not grown up hearing Mueller last name it has left me scratching my head. Depending on the situation when discussion about Special Counsel comes up I adopt one of the following approaches:
1) Refer to Mr Mueller as Special Counsel or
2) Say Robert M reducing the last name to an initial or
3) Insist on response in writing only or
4) Say the full name with the last name barely audible in the hope that no one hears it or it’s so faint no one hears or feels offended if I say it wrong 🙂

It’s been frustrating to resort to such methods. I can’t continue with those approaches any more. Keeping public interests/service in mind here’s my very public appeal to Mr Robert Mueller :

“Sir, all of us are very appreciative of the admirable restraint shown by you doing your work past few years in the face of provocation and personal attacks on a daily basis. We understand your sense of duty and quiet dignity has been shaped to some extent by your personal experience in war and seeing friends and fellow soldiers lose their life in fighting for a cause. The closest some of your fiercest critics have come to fighting a war has been fighting messy, expensive divorce battles in court. Please continue your quest to find the truth wherever it takes you, however long it may take to unearth. Your appointment may come with the mandate not to respond to any reaction to your work or personal comments about you. You have to make one exception though. I urge that you to go public, say your full name in public loud and clear and broadcast it on all major networks/cable channels! The least all of us should be able to agree on is how to say your full name correctly. It’s time to speak up. Now!”

Clear thy name first, Special Counsel!